A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should and imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, " 'Congratulations on your new location down under'."
There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky pulls up in an old beat up ute and says, "Would you like a lift, mate?" The swaggy replies, "No way, you can open and close your own bloody gates."
During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
Criminal in the dock........"As God is my judge, I am not guilty."
Judge..."He's not, I am and you are."
An old chap was out bush one day when the wheel broke off his horse cart in the middle of nowhere. He decided the safest thing was to stay where he was and hope someone would find him. After four or five days no one had arrived, and, having run out of food, decided to set off on foot and look for help. Tired and hungry, he'd walked miles before he stumbled across a bush stream with a log straddled across it. As he attempted to cross the stream the log broke under his weight and landed on a platypus, killing it. Hungry, the man thought he may as well eat it. Just as he was eating the platypus, a country policeman came along and charged him for eating a protected species. He was taken off to court. 'You are charged with eating a protected animal species. Have you anything to say for yourself before I pass sentence on you?' asked the judge. 'Well, as a matter of fact, your honour, I have', said the man. So he told the judge his story of how he came across the platypus and how he killed it. 'Well' said the judge, 'that sounds like a reasonable story - case dismissed!' 'Thank-you, your Honour, said the man. As the bushie was about to leave the courtroom the judge called out to him, 'Tell me, what does platypus taste like? 'Well, your Honour,' said the bushie, 'sort of tastes like a cross between koala and dolphin.'
How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy".
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he proceeded to go over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment,
"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 pence."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker."