A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should and imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, " 'Congratulations on your new location down under'."
This fella, his wife and his mother-in-law were up near Darwin on holidays when the mother-in-law went missing. The bloke waited a couple of days then called the police.
When did you last see her? Asked the police.
The last time I saw her, said the bloke, she was walking down to the mangrove swamp.
The police conducted a search and rang the bloke about four oíclock in the morning.
Weíve located your mother-in-law, they said. Sadly, sheís lying face down in the mangrove swamp, with two of the biggest mud crabs youíve ever seen sitting on her back. What do you want us to do?
The bloke said: Well, you take one, send me the other one and then reset the bait.
The West Indies were playing Australia at the MCG at the end of a very bad summer tour.
The phone rang in the Windies dressing room. This is Mrs Brian Lara calling from Jamaica. Would I be able to speak to my husband?
The bloke who answered said: Iím sorry but youíve just missed him. Heís just gone in to bat.
She said: Thatís fine. Iíll hold.
Two old blokes were on a tractor. They drove it across the paddock, and without looking for traffic, continued straight out onto the highway.
A young man in a Porsche was doing about 200km on the clock. He came flying around bend, saw the tractor, swerved left to miss it, crashed through a paddock fence, did a huge circle in the paddock, smashed back through the fence up the other end, back out onto the highway and kept tearing off down the road.
One of the blokes on the tractor turned to the other and said: Jeez, Bert, we only just go out of that paddock in time!
An Irish bloke in the Irish Paratroopers was being sent on a secret mission.
His captain said: Alright Murphy, hereís the plan. At nine hundred hours, youíll catch the plane at Dublin airport. Itíll take you over Germany. At ten thousand feet youíll jump. You parachute down into the valley. There will be a motorbike there for you. Ride it into the village and shoot the General whoís staying there. Is that clear?
Yes Sir, said Murphy.,
So the Irish paratrooper got to the airport, but the nine oíclock plane left at ten oíclock. Then at ten thousand feet he jumped and pulled his chute ripcord. It didnít work. He pulled his emergency chute. Nothing!!
Great, he said. First the plane was late, now my parachute doesnít work. I bet when I get down there the bloody motorbike wonít be there either!
An Australian and an Englishman were in a prisoner of war camp when they both got called out for punishment.
The commandant said: You will both be beaten across your bare back with the steel whip. But because I am a merciful man, I will allow you to place something over your back to help protect you against the intense pain.
The Pom stepped forward and said: I donít want anything on my back. Iím British and Iím not afraid of you or your whip. The English are a race of brave heroes!
So be it, said the commandant. Then, as he turned to the Aussie, he asked: And what do you want on your back?
The Aussie said: The Pom!!
A yuppie crashed his BMW into a freight train. When the ambulance and police arrived he was in a terrible state.
Oh my God, he moaned.
Now stay calm, said the ambulance man.
Calm?? Look at my BMW! Itís ruined, said the yuppie.
But Sir, said the medico. Youíre very badly injured. Your legs are all smashed up.
Oh, God, said the yuppie. My Calvin Klein jeans! I just bought them. Theyíre ruined!
But Sir, said the ambulance man, donít you feel pain? Your entire left arm is missing.
Oh my God, said the yuppie, whereís my Rolex?
Two old army mates got together for a drink on Anzac Day. By closing time they were very drunk. They went back to the first oneís house and had a few more beers. It was very late when the second bloke wondered what time it was, but he couldnít find a clock anywhere.
Hey Larry, he said. You donít have a clock, mate. How do you tell the time?
Larry said: with my bugle.
How can you tell the time with a bloody bugle? Asked his mate.
Iíll show ya, said Larry, and went to the window, opened it and blew his bugle loudly into the night.
Then a voice yelled out: Stop that noise. Donít you know itís one-thirty in the bloody morning!
An Aussie had just finished wallpapering his house, when his English neighbour came in to visit.
This a great wallpapering job, said the man. Did you do it yourself?
Sure did, said the Aussie.
You know something, said the Englishman, you could help me out. You see, our houses are exactly the same size, and I was thinking of wallpapering myself. But the hardest part is working out how many rolls to buy. Tell me, when you did this place, how many rolls did you buy?
I bought fourteen, said the Aussie.
Thanks very much, said the Pom and left. He was back a week later. Iíve got four rolls left over, he said.
The Aussie said: No kidding. Me too!
An Aussie was on holidays in America when he visited an Indian reservation. He saw a tepee beside the road with a sign outside: ĎChief Moosehead. He Knows All. He Remembers All!
The Aussie decided to put the Indian to a test. He went inside the tent and said to the Chief: What did I have for breakfast this morning?
The Chief said: Eggs!
It was true, so the Aussie went on his way. About 10 years later he ran into the very same Indian Chief while the Chief was visiting Australia.
How! Said the Aussie.
Scrambled, said the Chief.
A bloke working in a factory chopped all his fingers off in a machine. He rushed to the hospital in a panic.
The surgeon said: Now calm down, Sir. These days, with microsurgery, we can easily join your fingers back on. Now where are the fingers?
I havenít got them, said the bloke.
The surgeon said: But why not?
The bloke said: I couldnít pick them up.
Two American blokes wanted to race a horse in the Kentucky Derby, so they rang their brother who lived in Victoria, Australia. They told him they were sending some money for him to buy an Australian racehorse to send back to America, because everyone knows Aussie horses are the best.
So the bloke in Australia scouted around until he found a lovely three year old colt. He took the horse down to the docks, put him in a container and shipped him to America. Unfortunately the ship stopped in Perth and there was a wharfieís strike, so the horse was off-loaded, sat on the dock for six weeks and, sadly, died. The Perth port authorities rang the bloke in Victoria to tell him the horse was dead.
Send it anyway, said the bloke, so the container was put back on board and sent to America. Itís not my fault, thought the bloke. Iíll say it died mid-voyage. Well, he didnít hear from his brother for about a year, so he thought heíd better give them a call. He finally got onto them. Howís the horse? He asked.
We made two million dollars out of him, said his brothers.
The bloke was amazed. How did you do that? He was dead!
Oh, we know, they said. We held a lottery. Two dollars a ticket, and the first prize as an Australian racehorse. We sold a million tickets.
Didnít anyone complain that the horse was dead? Asked the bloke.
Only the fella who won, so we gave him his money back.
A big huge bloke walked into a pub in Dublin. He walked up to a little fella having a drink and said: Are you Michael OíShea?
The little bloke said: Who want to know?
I do, said the big bloke, and grabbled the little fella, punching him in the face. The little bloke just laughed. The big bloke hit him over the head with a bottle and punched him to the ground. Again, the little bloke laughed.
The big guy jumped up and down on the little fella, and finally smashed a chair over his bruised body. Still the little bloke laughed his head off.
Iíve beaten you half to death! Said the big bloke, but you wonít stop laughing. Whatís so bloody funny?
The little bloke still laughing said: The jokeís on you. Iím not Michael OíShea.
Two racehorses were sitting in a bar, chatting. It was extraordinary, said one. Last Saturday at Caulfield, I was coming last by four lengths down the side, with no hope of winning, when a big thunderbolt came out of the sky, hit me between the eyes and I took off and won by a short half head.
The other horse said: Remarkable! The same thing happened to me at Flemington on Cup Day. I was going backwards in the straight when a thunderbolt came out of the sky, hit me between the eyes, and I took off and won by a length.
Just then a greyhound walked up to the two horses.
Pardon me, he said, but I couldnít help overhearing your conversation and the same thing happened to me at Sandown Park a week ago. I got a bad start and was trailing the field, when a thunderbolt came out of the night sky and hit me between the eyes. I won by six lengths.
The greyhound walked off, and the first horse said: Amazing! A talking dog.
A knockabout bloke was down on his luck and couldnít find work, so he caught the bus to Vaucluse, a very ritzy Sydney suburb, to knock on peopleís front doors, asking for odd jobs. He walked up the driveway to a huge mansion and rang the doorbell.
When a man answered, he asked: Got any odd jobs need doing?
Actually, said the gent, I need my porch painted. Itís around the bank.
No worries, said the bloke.
So the man gave him a 10-litre tin of green paving paint and sent the bloke around to paint the back porch. About three hours later, the bloke came round the front and rang the doorbell again.
Iíve finished, he said. Nice job, too. Two coats.
Fine, said the gent, hereís twenty bucks.
Thanks, said the bloke and began to leave. As he was walking down the driveway he turned and shouted: By the way, I donít think it was a Porch, it looked more like a Ferrari.
Two snakes were sitting in the bush.
One of the snakes said: Hey Stan, are we poisonous?
Oh, God yes, said the second snake.
Thatís no good, said the first snake,
Whyís that? Said the second snake.
The first snake said: ĎCause I just bit my tongue.
Four kids in the country were riding on a horse down the side of the road. A city slicker came driving by in his Saab. Seeing the unusual sight of four kids on one horse, he decided to have a bit of fun. He pulled up beside them and said: Hey kids, got room for one more?
The kid sitting at the back of the horse turned around, lifted the horseís tail, and said, Yeah, you can hop in the boot if you like!
A boy took his essay on the family dog up to his English teacher for marking.
When sheíd read it, she said: Billy, two years ago I asked your brother Simon to write an essay on the family dog. This is exactly the same essay. How do you explain that?
Billy said: Of course itís the same essay. Itís the same dog.
An Australian, an American and an Irishman were captured by South American Contra rebels and were sentenced to die by firing squad.
The Australian was first up. He stood in front of the firing squad and the captain said: Ready, aimÖ.
The Aussie yelled out: EARTHQUAKE!!!!
The soldiers dropped their guns and look around in a panic. During the confusion, the Aussie made his escape.
The captain got them back in line and stood the American in front of them. He said: Squad, ready aimÖ.
And the American shouted: FLOOD!!!
Again they turned around and he also made his escape.
Once more, the captain got them in line, and stood the Irishman in front of them. Squad, ready, aimÖ
And the Irishman shouted: FIRE!!
A market research company was employed by a plumbing group to find out which way people faced in the bath Ė with their feet toward the taps, or their back towards the taps. They interviewed 2000 people, and 1999 people said they sat with their back toward the taps.
The plumbing company were amazed at the result and rang the odd man out.
Sir, they said, may we ask why, out of 2000 people, you are the only one who sits with their back toward the taps?
The bloke replied: Because I donít have a bath plug.
A little girl was drawing with crayons, sitting at the kitchen table. Her mother walked in and asked : What are you drawing, Sharon?
She said: A picture of God.
Her mother said: Donít be silly, nobody knows what God looks like!
The little girl said: Well, they will when Iím finished.
A solicitor opened an office in Melbourne. It had a great view in a prestigious building. He hired a secretary and some office furniture. At 9.00 a.m. on his first morning, he sat at his desk, and started sharpening his pencils. AT 11.15 a.m. his secretary knocked at his door saying a man was here to see him.
Fabulous, he thought, my first client. I really must make a good impression.
So he told his secretary to send in the bloke. He picked up his phone and as the man walked in, he said: No, I wonít accept a million for my client. I want three million and not a penny less! And slammed the receiver down.
He looked up at the man and said: Now, what can I do for you, Sir?
The bloke said: Iím from Telstra. Iíve come to connect the phone.
A man came home and called to his wife: ďDarling, Iím home and Iíve got myself that new hearing aid. Itís amazing. Itís smaller than a fingernail, flesh-toned, stereo, solar-powered, and is designed to fit individually into a single ear. Itís just marvellous!Ē
His wife came into the room saying: ďIt sounds tremendous, George. How much was it?
The man said: ďItís half past four.
There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky pulls up in an old beat up ute and says, "Would you like a lift, mate?" The swaggy replies, "No way, you can open and close your own bloody gates."
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirley, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce, I was", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce, I did" she says.
"Then I came home, couldn't get a job due to me disability and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"Then the farm flooded and just when we got over that there was a bushfire, then the drought which wiped us completely out, but you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce I did,"
"Now here I am in excruciating pain, about to die and useless but you're still with me."
"You're just real bad luck"
A copper pulled a motorist over who was doing about 200km an hour down the middle of a highway.
What do you think youíre doing, said the copper, are you crazy?
No mate, said the driver
Well why were you going so fast down the middle of the road? Asked the copper.
Iím obeying the instructions on my licence, replied the driver. See, at the bottom it clearly says: ďTear along dotted lineĒ.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so as you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some electronic machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the electric plug out."
His wife got up and unplugged the TV then threw all of his beer out.
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
An old chap was out bush one day when the wheel broke off his horse cart in the middle of nowhere. He decided the safest thing was to stay where he was and hope someone would find him. After four or five days no one had arrived, and, having run out of food, decided to set off on foot and look for help. Tired and hungry, he'd walked miles before he stumbled across a bush stream with a log straddled across it. As he attempted to cross the stream the log broke under his weight and landed on a platypus, killing it. Hungry, the man thought he may as well eat it. Just as he was eating the platypus, a country policeman came along and charged him for eating a protected species. He was taken off to court. 'You are charged with eating a protected animal species. Have you anything to say for yourself before I pass sentence on you?' asked the judge. 'Well, as a matter of fact, your honour, I have', said the man. So he told the judge his story of how he came across the platypus and how he killed it. 'Well' said the judge, 'that sounds like a reasonable story - case dismissed!' 'Thank-you, your Honour, said the man. As the bushie was about to leave the courtroom the judge called out to him, 'Tell me, what does platypus taste like? 'Well, your Honour,' said the bushie, 'sort of tastes like a cross between koala and dolphin.'
How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy".
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he proceeded to go over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? Iíve been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Iím not a dentist. Iím an undertaker."
Bill walked up to his mate, Frank, at the pub one night.
Frank, he said, do you want to play golf with John and me tomorrow?
Frank said: No thanks mate. It looks like rain. But you blokes go. You know. Itís amazing how much golf you two play. I reckon youíve played together every day for the last five years.
Bill said: Well, we do love our golf. Alright then, Iíll see you tomorrow night. And then he left.
The next night he walked into the pub, looking a bit depressed. Frank was there and asked him if heís had a bad day.
The worst, said Bill. First of all, it was pouring. I forgot my jacket. John birdied the first hole, and I scored four over.
Thatís awful, said Frank.
Thatís not the worst of it, said Bill, on the second green John had a heart attack and died!
Frank said: My God, thatís terrible.
Youíre telling me! Bill said. Imagine the rest of my day. Hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John.
Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray River district of New South Wales, Australia. Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble. One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse (outside bush toilet), which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murray river, when he had a mischievous idea. Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river. Dave couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave and asked " Dave did you push the outhouse into the river".
"NO" said Dave.
So Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave " did you push the outhouse into the river"
Dave proudly answered " yes father I can not tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river ".
Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed " George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth".
Dad replied " yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree ".
Dad and Dave were watching a documentary on the rabbit plague in early Australia. The narrator explained that a Pom introduced 5 pair for his favourite sport of shooting.
Dave says to Dad," Crikey, he must have been a crook shot."
Dad: What's up with the light?
Dave: The globe's blown.
Dad: Spare me days, the flaminí flies up Ďere would blow anything!
An old woman went to her doctor. Doc, she said, I want a hysterectomy.
The doctor was amazed. But Betty, he said, youíre eighty-three years old. Why do you want a hysterectomy?
Because, she said, Iíve got sixteen grandchildren and thatís enough!
Although most of these old jokes date back many decades, some were reprinted from the following book...Maurie Fieldsí Dinkum Aussie Jokes By Val Jellay. Jokes compiled by Marty Fields. Published in Australia by New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd.
The Glorious Australiana images on this site are from a cd-rom called Images-Australia by ©GUM TREE GRAPHICS. Artwork created by Australians Barry Gardner & Jason Jover. I recommend when looking for excellent computer graphics you request ©GUM TREE GRAPHICS from your retailer.