Australian Jokes
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A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should and imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, " 'Congratulations on your new location down under'."
An Australian, an American and an Irishman were captured by South American Contra rebels and were sentenced to die by firing squad.
The Australian was first up. He stood in front of the firing squad and the captain said: Ready, aim….
The Aussie yelled out: EARTHQUAKE!!!!
The soldiers dropped their guns and look around in a panic. During the confusion, the Aussie made his escape.
The captain got them back in line and stood the American in front of them. He said: Squad, ready aim….
And the American shouted: FLOOD!!!
Again they turned around and he also made his escape.
Once more, the captain got them in line, and stood the Irishman in front of them. Squad, ready, aim…
And the Irishman shouted: FIRE!!
A market research company was employed by a plumbing group to find out which way people faced in the bath – with their feet toward the taps, or their back towards the taps. They interviewed 2000 people, and 1999 people said they sat with their back toward the taps.
The plumbing company were amazed at the result and rang the odd man out.
Sir, they said, may we ask why, out of 2000 people, you are the only one who sits with their back toward the taps?
The bloke replied: Because I don’t have a bath plug.
A little girl was drawing with crayons, sitting at the kitchen table. Her mother walked in and asked : What are you drawing, Sharon?
She said: A picture of God.
Her mother said: Don’t be silly, nobody knows what God looks like!
The little girl said: Well, they will when I’m finished.
A solicitor opened an office in Melbourne. It had a great view in a prestigious building. He hired a secretary and some office furniture. At 9.00 a.m. on his first morning, he sat at his desk, and started sharpening his pencils. AT 11.15 a.m. his secretary knocked at his door saying a man was here to see him.
Fabulous, he thought, my first client. I really must make a good impression.
So he told his secretary to send in the bloke. He picked up his phone and as the man walked in, he said: No, I won’t accept a million for my client. I want three million and not a penny less! And slammed the receiver down.
He looked up at the man and said: Now, what can I do for you, Sir?
The bloke said: I’m from Telstra. I’ve come to connect the phone.
A man came home and called to his wife: “Darling, I’m home and I’ve got myself that new hearing aid. It’s amazing. It’s smaller than a fingernail, flesh-toned, stereo, solar-powered, and is designed to fit individually into a single ear. It’s just marvellous!”
His wife came into the room saying: “It sounds tremendous, George. How much was it?
The man said: “It’s half past four.
There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky pulls up in an old beat up ute and says, "Would you like a lift, mate?" The swaggy replies, "No way, you can open and close your own bloody gates."
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirley, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce, I was", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce, I did" she says.
"Then I came home, couldn't get a job due to me disability and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"Then the farm flooded and just when we got over that there was a bushfire, then the drought which wiped us completely out, but you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce I did,"
"Now here I am in excruciating pain, about to die and useless but you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirley."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're just real bad luck"
A copper pulled a motorist over who was doing about 200km an hour down the middle of a highway.
What do you think you’re doing, said the copper, are you crazy?
No mate, said the driver
Well why were you going so fast down the middle of the road? Asked the copper.
I’m obeying the instructions on my licence, replied the driver. See, at the bottom it clearly says: “Tear along dotted line”.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so as you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some electronic machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the electric plug out."
His wife got up and unplugged the TV then threw all of his beer out.
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
An old chap was out bush one day when the wheel broke off his horse cart in the middle of nowhere. He decided the safest thing was to stay where he was and hope someone would find him. After four or five days no one had arrived, and, having run out of food, decided to set off on foot and look for help. Tired and hungry, he'd walked miles before he stumbled across a bush stream with a log straddled across it. As he attempted to cross the stream the log broke under his weight and landed on a platypus, killing it. Hungry, the man thought he may as well eat it. Just as he was eating the platypus, a country policeman came along and charged him for eating a protected species. He was taken off to court. 'You are charged with eating a protected animal species. Have you anything to say for yourself before I pass sentence on you?' asked the judge. 'Well, as a matter of fact, your honour, I have', said the man. So he told the judge his story of how he came across the platypus and how he killed it. 'Well' said the judge, 'that sounds like a reasonable story - case dismissed!' 'Thank-you, your Honour, said the man. As the bushie was about to leave the courtroom the judge called out to him, 'Tell me, what does platypus taste like? 'Well, your Honour,' said the bushie, 'sort of tastes like a cross between koala and dolphin.'
How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy".
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he proceeded to go over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker."
Bill walked up to his mate, Frank, at the pub one night.
Frank, he said, do you want to play golf with John and me tomorrow?
Frank said: No thanks mate. It looks like rain. But you blokes go. You know. It’s amazing how much golf you two play. I reckon you’ve played together every day for the last five years.
Bill said: Well, we do love our golf. Alright then, I’ll see you tomorrow night. And then he left.
The next night he walked into the pub, looking a bit depressed. Frank was there and asked him if he’s had a bad day.
The worst, said Bill. First of all, it was pouring. I forgot my jacket. John birdied the first hole, and I scored four over.
That’s awful, said Frank.
That’s not the worst of it, said Bill, on the second green John had a heart attack and died!
Frank said: My God, that’s terrible.
You’re telling me! Bill said. Imagine the rest of my day. Hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John.
Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray River district of New South Wales, Australia. Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble. One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse (outside bush toilet), which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murray river, when he had a mischievous idea. Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river. Dave couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave and asked " Dave did you push the outhouse into the river".
"NO" said Dave.
So Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave " did you push the outhouse into the river"
Dave proudly answered " yes father I can not tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river ".
Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed " George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth".
Dad replied " yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree ".
Dad and Dave were watching a documentary on the rabbit plague in early Australia. The narrator explained that a Pom introduced 5 pair for his favourite sport of shooting.
Dave says to Dad," Crikey, he must have been a crook shot."
Dad: What's up with the light?
Dave: The globe's blown.
Dad: Spare me days, the flamin’ flies up ‘ere would blow anything!
An old woman went to her doctor. Doc, she said, I want a hysterectomy.
The doctor was amazed. But Betty, he said, you’re eighty-three years old. Why do you want a hysterectomy?
Because, she said, I’ve got sixteen grandchildren and that’s enough!
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