Old Aussie Slang and Humour
The Bar Room Bum by Errol J Brewer
The bar room bum with his chin in the beer
Chair on an angle, hand covering one ear.
His sleeves rolled up, smoke stains on his fingers
His old stained felt hat needs a few stitches.
He’s been there all day, sunk a gallon of beer
Which is easy to tell, all the butts round his chair.
He’s trod a long path from bar to loo
With his brown laces, on each black shoe.
He knows everyone or that it may seem
Keeps acknowledging them all but he's not even seen.
I’ll shout you a beer”, he roars at a post
And tosses two coins over to the pub host.
“What is it you want”, says the barman irate
“Just the one beer for me and one for me mate”.
So there he sits, this lonely old male
Having a chat to a full glass of ale.
Aussie Sayings
Chin Wag Having a conversation Have a cuppa Have a cup of tea You'll be waiting till the cows come home You will be waiting for a long while She'll be apples Everything will be alright Better half Wife or Husband Back of beyond Way in the outback or a long way off Put the billy on Make a cup of tea Blow in A non local person He bolted Left very quickly Buckley's chance No chance at all You little bottler Every things great or you are great Beat around the bush Not getting to the point in a conversation Scarce as hens teeth Hard to find somethingl Lower than a snakes armpit Not a nice person It'll all come out in the wash Things will sort out in the long run Going twenty to the dozen Going quickly or doing something quickly Hang on a tick Wait a moment Stone the crows Shocked or surprised by something Rainin cats and dogs Pouring rain or storm Pull your head in Told to mind you own business Pull your socks up Get yourself together Shake a leg Hurry up or get moving More of them then you can poke a stick at A real lot of something, a huge amount Mad as a cut snake A person considered a little crazy As long as a month of Sundays A very long time Your leading me up the garden path Your not telling the facts correctly To help you to get a leg up Help in getting started on something He kicked the bucket He died A joe blake A snake Jack in the box Person jumping around or agitated To make a crust To earn your living Call it a day To close up or finish Haven't seen you in donkey's years Not seen for a long while Getting a good ear bashing A one sided conversation I could eat a horse and chase the jockey Really hungry He's full as a boot Drunk As nutty as a fruit cake A little unstable or stupid Fair crack of the whip Give me a fair go or deal Flat out like a lizard drinkin Doing something fast or very busy Your a galah Silly person Gone to the dogs Something or someone now gone strange Happy as a pig in mud Really happy Wouldn't be dead for quids Extremely happy with everything He had a head on him like a sucked out mango Pretty Ugly Not enough brains to give himself a headache A dope He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock Not much brain To live on the smell of an oily rag Budget living Just let me wet me whistle Have a drink Doesn't mind a shandy on a warm day Really likes a drink Smile on your face like a carpet snake in a chook pen Big Grin As crooked as a dog's hind leg Not very straight or person a crook It's a wigwam for a goose's bridle None of your business He's just a two-bob drongo Silly person Every man and his dog was there Meeting well attended It would kill a brown dog It tasted that bad It's that windy it would blow a dog off it's chain Strong windy day I smell like a gorilla's arm-pit Really need a bath Send 'er down Hughie Acknowledging heavy rain Full as a Catholic school The food was very filling Fit as a Mallee Bull Strong and healthy Silly as a wet hen Person a bit silly Pass the Cackle-berries Eggs He put the bite on me Asked for money or a loan Was your father a glassmaker? Don't stand in front of me Don't stick yer bib in Mind your own business He's sillier than a two bob watch Silly person You bet your boots that's right! A certainty Wouldn't be dead for Quids! Having lot's of fun Even Blind Freddy could see it Absolutely obvious Couldn't drive ducks to water Bad car driver He's True Blue Real Australian Hold on to your horses Wait a moment Get off your high horse Being arrogant Between you me and the gatepost Told in confidence Your bloods worth bottling (bottlin) Your terrific
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A bum was sitting with his back to a hedge, eating some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, walking her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the old man and tried to take the food. The tramp smiled expansively at the lady. "Shall I throw the little dog a bit, Mam?" he asked. The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured "Yes". The tramp caught the dog by the back of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking: "And if he comes back, Mamm, I might throw him a bit more."
Two Australian tourists were on holiday in Asia when some monkeys stole their traveller’s cheques. They ran up to their tour guide, yelling: Mr Wong, Mr Wong, some monkeys stole our traveller’s cheques. The tour guide said: Oh no, what kind were they? The tourists said: Brown ones with red bums!!
An old woman went to her doctor. Doc, she said, I want a hysterectomy. The doctor was amazed. But Betty, he said, You’re 83 years old. Why do you want a hysterectomy? Because, she said, I’ve got 16 grandchildren, and that’s enough!
A copper pulled a motorist over who was doing about 200km an hour down the middle of a highway. What do you think you’re doing, said the copper, are you crazy? No mate, said the driver. Well why were you going so fast down the middle of the road? Asked the copper. I’m obeying the instructions on my licence, replied the driver. See, at the bottom it clearly says: “Tear along dotted line.”
An Australian, an American and an Irishman were captured by South American Contra rebels and were sentenced to die by firing squad. The Australian was first up. He stood in front of the firing squad and the captain said: Ready, aim… The Aussie yelled out: EARTHQUAKE!! The soldiers dropped their guns and looked around in panic. During the confusion, the Aussie made his escape. The captain got them back in line and stood the American in front of them. He said: Squad, ready, aim … And the American shouted: FLOOD!! Again, they turned around and he also made is escape. Once more, the captain got them in line and stood the Irishman in front of them. Squad, ready, aim … And the Irishman shouted: FIRE!!
A market research company was employed by a plumbing group to find out which way people faced in the bath – with their feet toward the taps, or their back toward the taps. They interviewed 2000 people and 1999 said they sat with their feet towards the taps, and only one person sat with their back toward the taps. The plumbing company were amazed at the result and rang the odd man out. Sir, they said, may we ask why, out of 2000 people, you are the only one who sits with their back toward the taps? The bloke replied: Because I don’t have a bath plug.
A little girl was drawing with crayons, sitting at the kitchen table. Her mother walked in and asked: What are you drawing, Sharon? She said: A picture of God. Her mother said: Don’t be silly, nobody knows what God looks like! The little girl said: Well, they will when I’m finished.
A man came home and called his wife: Darling, I’m home, and I’ve got myself that new hearing aid. It’s amazing. It’s smaller than a fingernail, flesh-toned, stereo, solar-powered, and is designed to fit individually into a single ear. It’s just marvellous! His wife came into the room saying: It sounds tremendous, George. How much was it? The man said: It’s half past four.
Bill walked up to his mate, Frank, at the pub one night. Frank, he said, do you want to play golf with John and me tomorrow? Frank said: No thanks mate. It looks like rain. But you blokes go. You know, it’s amazing how much golf you two play. I reckon you’ve played together every day for the last five years. Bill said: Well, we do love our golf. Alright then, I’ll see you tomorrow night. And then he left. The next night he walked into the pub, looking a bit depressed. Frank was there and asked him if he’d had a bad day. The worst, said Bill. First of all, it was pouring. I forgot my jacket. John birdied the first hole, and I scored four over. That’s awful, said Frank. That’s not the worst of it, said Bill, on the second green, John had a heart attack and died! Frank said: My God. That’s terrible! You’re telling me! Bill said. Imagine the rest of my day. Hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John.
An Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to become a cabbie so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence. He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS. He looked at it with wide open eyes, looking very surprised. The examiner said impatiently; well......? The Ukrainian answered; I know that bloke...
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
The 4 Stages of Life - 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They've set up their tent, and they have fallen asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, saying "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars Kemo Sabi." "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto you numb skull, someone has stolen our tent."
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
A new Australian was travelling home on the train after his first day on the job. He happened to be sitting next to a Salvo's officer and impressed with his uniform, asked him who he worked for. " I work for Christ Jesus" came the reply. "yes, I know him" said the new Australian, " I worka for his a brother, Kraft a Cheeses!"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" Mum smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear, "she said. "I have to sleep in Dad's room. "A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Dad & Dave On The Farm
Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray river district of New South Wales, Australia. Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble. One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse (outside bush toilet), which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murry river, when he had a mischevious idea. Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river. He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight. A few hours later Dad came up to Dave and asked " Dave did you push the outhouse into the river". "NO" said Dave. So Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree. When Dad asked Dave " did you push the outhouse into the river" Dave proudly answered " yes father I can not tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river ".Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt. Dave sobbed " George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth". Dad replied " yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree ".
Dad and Dave Driving
Dad and Dave were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.
'You were going eighty!' the officer yelled. "What's the big idea?"
"We have a good reason," Dave explained to the cop. "Our brakes are no good, so we wanted to get home quickly before we had an accident!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula....."Clear off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
An 80 year old Aussie woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop on High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a parking inspector writing out a ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Boofhead. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a beanbrain. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I called him names, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
Two cows stand in a field. One says "Moo", the other says, "I knew you were gunna say that."
This Great Aussie Life
- The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
- The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
- Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
- If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
- There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
- On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
- Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
- All our best heroes are losers.
- The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
- It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
- A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
- It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
- Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
- The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
- If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
- The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
- It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
- The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
- If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
- If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
- The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
- Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
- The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
- On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
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